Friday, December 24, 2004

Merry Christmas, residents of Fallujah!

Inspired by a New York Times article.

Merry Christmas, residents of Fallujah!
We bombed the shit out of your city, and now we're graciously allowing you to come in and check out your ruined houses and the sewage in the streets!

Yeah, guys, come on, don't you wanna move your families back in town? I know that with all the water purification and distribution systems destroyed, it won't be the same, but hey, it's your home! We'll give you food aid and you can fetch water to bring back to your house-- you know, if you still have one standing. You could run by what's left of your local mosque, too, see how that looks. I bet you may find a neighbor or two there, weeping over the destruction of God's house.
(Don't worry, maybe we'll rebuild your house of God, only this time, we'll show you the one, true God-- our God!)

I know it may seem a little inconvenient to have all men of military age have their fingerprints and retinas scanned, and be made to wear badges, but we'll be damned if we're not going to wipe out all the insurgents! It's a small price to pay for coming back home, isn't it?

Keep in mind that things will look a little different. After all, a city that once held over 250,000 people which has been turned into a ghost town and war zone isn't going to have quite the same ambience. Don't worry, though, we've buried more than 500 insurgents' bodies that lay in the streets for weeks. Soon we'll be done clearing for bombs and mines!

Are we still bombing in Fallujah, you ask? Well, yes, of course! We're breaking the back of the insurgency, silly, making it safe for you to come home. But we're bombing in another part of the city. You should be just fine.

It may be several months until we have electricity and water going again, but we'd really like you to be home in time for the January 30th elections. Tell everyone you know that's been living in tent camps or in relatives' homes to come on back and get ready to vote. This is your new democracy, remember!

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